LIFESTYLE

well it has been 3 months shy of a year since my last post. WOW- thats crazy. and to think where i was then compared to where i am now… let me speed everyone up to exactly where i am now.


i came home from the mission field to pay off school loans. the sooner i got out of debt the sooner i could go back to the mission field. i wanted to do it as fast as possible. i had a slow summer. i worked, but i also too many vacations- just trying to pay catch up with everyone in America. well fall came and almost went before i found a full- time job, but praise the Lord i have one. [[i work at a preschool. i love it. i have worked at this same center a couple times before. there are many opportunities for me there, and i am excited to see where it takes me, but what really matters now is that it is paying the bills.]] i also dating a great guy who goes by the name of Trae. [[we met through a friend of mine that goes to my church.]] i am also serving as a youth leader in my church, im on the missionary committee and i help with a ministry called Bridge Builders. not to mention that i have started selling personalized items through a company called INITIALS-inc. in order to make a little extra money. all of these times on top of family and friends keep me very busy. 


sadly i have lost the vision of my purpose for coming home to begin with.


i quickly began loving my pay checks. i began using the extra money on meaningless things instead of putting to towards loans. my calendar has became slam packed with worldly events and i lost sight of ministry. life became routine and normal… clockwork. you hear about this all the time- people say "life goes on. trials come our way. and we forget, we give up, we become careless in our walk.  well this is exactly what i found myself saying the other night on my face before God. my life goes on. trials came my way. and i forgot, i gave up, and i became careless in my walk. 


then i was reminded that God has put me on this earth to fulfill a purpose. a purpose He has given me- to bring Him glory. oh how i have failed. i have lost sight of my purpose. i have been living for myself, with my own personal goals. 


but the biggest blessing is forgiveness. repent, turn and live. 


please be in prayer for me as i begin this rededication to live a my life in obedience to Christ in my LIFESTYLE! 

With No Strings Attached

"One of the most powerful sermons I ever heard closed with these challenging words, “Why should we come to Jesus Christ?  Not for our own benefit.  We should honor and serve and love and give our lives to Jesus Christ even if we were to go to hell at the end of the road…because He is worthy!”  (Paris Reidhead, Ten Shekels and a Shirt, www.sermonindex.org) Christ loved us without expecting us to love Him in return.  As He lay dying on the Cross, those He had come to save were mocking and spitting in His face.  Can we love Him the way He loved us?  Can we surrender everything to Him without expecting anything in return?I have discovered throughout my life that our Lord cares very deeply about the dreams and desires of our heart, and He takes great joy in meeting them in His own perfect time and way.  Surrendering to Him is not drudgery, but delight.  As we abide in Him, He changes and shapes the desires of our heart to match with His desires for us, as it says in Psalm 37:4.  Following His pattern doesn’t leave us with a second-rate version of life on this earth, but a far more glorious, beautiful, and fulfilled one.  And yet, even though having the specific desires of our heart fulfilled is very often a byproduct of surrender to Christ, it cannot be our reason for pouring out our all upon His precious feet.  Our reason must be passionate love for Him, with no strings attached." -Devotions with Leslie Ludy "No Strings Attached"

While doing my quiet time the other morning I read this blog devotional. It made me stop and think. It made me think so much that it is just now that I have been able to gather my actual thoughts and apply this to my life. I got to thinking about my own personal life and how many times I do a check list "for" Christ in order to get whatever I expect from Him in exchange. VAIN or USELESS works. Instead of doing out of love for, or because He is worthy, I do for selfish gain.  Just like the devotional says,  Surrender to God is not drudgery, but delight. My prayer for myself is that I would pour out my all at my Saviors precious feet because of my passionate love for Him, expecting nothing in return. WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

God meant it for GOOD

I don’t know about you, but when I am going through a trial there is always a day or two, and sadly sometimes more where whenever someone tells me anything biblical- I get this little attitude. Not to sound prideful, but I grew up in the church and have been growing in my walk with Christ consistently for sometime now. I know what the Bible says, but there is a time when all my fleshly attributes within me come out and honestly I don’t care what the Bible says. I want someone to just understand that I am hurting. I want someone to recognize that and let me work through things on my own. Hopefully sooner than later, I find myself running to the Lord. I find peace from the fact that He is in complete control and I don’t need to worry about it, comfort resting in His arms, and most of the time even understanding after seeing my trial in the light of Christ Word.  So why don’t I turn to Him first?  Why don’t I think on these very truths the moment I enter a trail? These are questions I don’t have really have answers to. All I can say is I am a sinful human. I think I know more than Christ. I think I can solve my own problems. These are lies Satan gets me to believe. These are areas I need to work on.

So yesterday morning, I was doing my devotions and I was convicted and comforted at the same time.

_{“Do you remember how Joseph’s brothers plotted his demise? Because of his brothers’ jealousy, Joseph was sold to be a slave in Egypt, There in the house of Potiphar, he was falsely accused and put in prison for two years. It was enough to make any normal man bitter at God. Joseph had done what was right; he had been faithful to his God, and suffered because of it. He seemed the victim of the whims and plots of men. And yet, during all this time Joseph did nothing to dishonor God. Joseph knew The Most High God, El Elyon, stood in the shadows, ruling over all, watching and waiting. Whether or not he understood, Joseph knew that God has a purpose in it all. How can I say that? Because of what Joseph said to his brothers when they found themselves standing before him as the appointed ruler over all of Egypt (Genesis 42:6). “And now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life… And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt… And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive” (Genesis 45: 5,7-8; 50:20)”}

While reading this I was convicted. The next time I start to murmur or complain, I need to stop. Run to my El Elyon, trust in His name and give thanks. WOW. What a challenge.  No, the trial I was faced with wasn’t as big as Joseph. I wasn’t sold by my sisters, although sometimes they want to; I wasn’t put in to prison. I was just having a bad day. I felt a little depressed because of a change that I thought was too hard for me, although I knew I was right where God wanted me. I should have honored God with my actions and thoughts. I should have found comfort in the very fact that my God is The Most High God, El Elyon. He stands ruling over all. I know God meant it for good. And I failed to praise Him for it.

Then today I was doing my devotions and I was reading from Psalm 142.

_{The setting for Psalm 142 finds David completely overwhelmed by his circumstances. He had fled alone from King Saul who was set upon killing him. Refuge was denied him by the king of Gath (1 Samuel 21:10-15) and he was now hiding in a cave (1 Samuel 22:1). From the glorious days of being anointed Israel's next king by Samuel and then being acclaimed as a national hero by the country, David had been reduced to hiding in a dark cave, pursued and rejected. Soon David came to the depths of personal despair and he pours out his heart in prayer to the LORD. This is the subject of David's opening prayer (vv. 1-4); an abundance of foes (vv. 1-3) and an absence of friends (v. 4). It is evident that the LORD heard David's plea for in the second half of the psalm (vv. 5-7) David is again on top of his circumstances. To gain his victory over his own despair, David says he had to realize four things:}

             _{1]   V. 5a: God truly was David's refuge.}

             _{2]   V. 5b: God truly was David's "portion" (i.e., inheritance), that is, God's friendship was really what David wanted    out of life.}

             _{3]   V. 6: God truly was David's only source of strength against powerful enemies.}

             _{4]   V. 6-7: God truly was David's Deliverer. God had rescued David out of the "prison" of his despair.}

_{Be sure to see how trusting prayer brought David from despair to victory over circumstances. Complaining to the LORD about his troubles (v. 2) changes by means of further reflection in prayer before God (often this is the quiet, listening aspect of one's prayer!) to praising God's name (v. 7). Notice the contrasts in David's outlook: "Refuge failed me" (v. 4) becomes "Thou are my refuge" (v. 5). "No man cared for my soul" (v. 4) becomes "for thou shalt deal bountifully with me" (v. 7).}

_{David's prayer didn't motivate God to immediate action. Instead, David's prayer changed David's thinking; despair became victorious hope as David remembered who God truly was! Have the hard things of life brought you to despair your situation? Take time to consider that God is your refuge, portion, strength, and Deliverer! Have you ever tried living in a cave? It's one thing to be there for a campout, but to use it as a place of refuge when there is no other place to go is something different. Have you ever felt like you're in a cave and asked God to find you a way out? When we are overwhelmed by circumstances, it's easy to think God is obligated to provide a way out. But often, He lets us taste the bitterness of hardship. We learn to trust and rely on God most when we struggle and can't make it on our own. As verse 5 says, He becomes our refuge.}

I am so thankful for these passages and how they challenged me. I am learning so much. The first half of my blog, where it is talking about Joseph came from Kay Arthur’s Devotional titled, “LORD, I want to know you” and the second half, talking about David, came from the Word of Life Quiet Time Commentary. Check it out at  http://quiettimediary.com/

"Ashley, I saw your facebook status- are you alright?"

Whenever you say something, weather it be actual spoken words, written as a Facebook status, a twitter update, or even if you write something in the privacy of your own journal. There is some sort of truth behind those words. "There is always some truth behind "just okay". Knowledge behind "i dont know". Emotion behind "i don't care" and pain behind "it's okay"…"  This was my Facebook status the other day, and today I followed it with this one…"I hate feeling unimportant to people that are important to me". Both of these were actually stolen from a girl I follow on twitter. I wasn't trying to see how many people really care about me, or receive a little pity party [and as you read this… this statement still holds true, i'm just being real]. But naturally when someone puts a status up like those you should expect that kind of response. So why didn't I? Because I wasn't thinking about the quotes, I just liked them so I copied them. Once people began to comment I took a look at the quote again and I allowed them to sink in.


So today, recently, this past week… I have been feeling a little discouraged. My blog lately has been consumed with changes I have been challenged with since being home. [And rightfully so, since this blog is basically an update on my life.] So here is the latest challenge… which let me remind you only clicked in my brain a couple of hours ago. Meaning this is fresh, raw emotion.


I have been with Word of Life since before I even graduated high school. It has been my life, the Word of Life family has been my family away from home. The way the Word of Life ministries run and function have been molded into my brain. The living arrangements have become normal to me. And with that I hit my biggest issue. 


Off and on for the past 5 years I have lived with round about 4 or more people in a room and sometimes anywhere from 15 - 20 people in a dorm/hall. COLLEGE LIFE. It didn't take long for my bubbly, outgoing personality to adjust to having so many people involved in my every waking moment of life. Sure there were times it was difficult and I needed space [even I blogged about that in Hungary]. Looking back for the most part it was easy. It slowly became normal. With this kind of setting, you have your inner circle, you have your roommates- who you would die for [kind of like sisters], you have your larger group of acquaintances, and then you have the whole student body [which at a small school its easy to know and have a personal relationship with just about everyone], and then of course you have all the staff.

Well, this is what happened you take me, bubbly and outgoing, out of this kind of environment. June, July and August, I had a job, had many vacations/trips. I was busy. I was still getting use to being home, so it was all good. Then come September, where I don't have a job. Don't get me wrong being lazy has its perks, but sooner or later it's going to get old. Then you have to realize I am use to having a ton of people who are always with me, and if I get frustrated at them; I still have another 10 or so people to comfort me and spend time with. I am not saying anything bad about my friends I have here at home. [[I have enjoyed every minute with you [i'm being serious], and yes, you know who you are.]] But take me away from those people who understand Word of Life "life" and I automatically feel a little lonely. Then take away the busyness of life, and not even give me a routine…by now I'm already close to breaking point. Bless me with awesome people who love and care for me. Who teach me, challenge, and walk beside me, but I forgot to mention were all in different stages of life. And once again- I'm not saying this is bad, but it is different than what I am use to. So, I take the advice of some and try to broaden my group of friends here at home. I have contacted some of my closes friends from high school, but give me a break it is has been 5 almost 6 years- things change!! I don't really want to visit other churches to meet people [which I have tried] for the fear of feeling like I will slowly be pulled away from my own home church, which is awesome!!!

So how does the following Facebook status tie into this?!?! There are many people who are important to me, all around the world. And when life gets hard, or challenging all I want to do is go back to what's normal what's easy. WORD OF LIFE. Not necessarily the ministry or the location, but the people. Someone once said to me recently "what's easy isn't always right". I know that. I know that God has me here for a purpose. I am actually pretty content here. I love it, but it doesn't change the fact that it is hard. And with that you have to understand that I, as is everyone, are going to have ups and downs, happy and sad day, encouraged and discouraged. Today is just one of those days and I will be okay.

Remind Me Who I Am

I just wanted to share this video. Maybe it will be of some encouragement you.

Remind Me Who I Am- Jason Gray

an honest peek

Memories. Past. Future. Passions. Lack of Passion. Burden Hearts. Broken Hearts. Excitement. Life. Just Living. Change. Challenge. Growth. Word of Life Bible Institute. Hungary. Home. Word of Life Hungary Bible Institute. Fellowship Baptist Church. 1 Year. Forever. Love. Lack of Love. Missions. Ministry. Family. FBC teens. Friendship. Lack of Friends. Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear. Boldness. 23. Just a number. A defining number. Faithfulness. If only. Where. When. Content. Never settle.


And these words are only the beginning of a very long list. 


My mind and my heart often hold so many thoughts and feelings that never get expressed. Maybe this is because I don't want to open up because I don't want to make myself vulnerable to the world. Or maybe, it is this way because they are just that... Thoughts and feelings- not so much a reality. 


As a 23 year old I have lived a lot of life. Well, compared to most people my age. I have lived in many places, and had a chance to be apart of many things that people twice my age may never even thought of. Seeing so much of this wicked world has burden my heart and even broke my heart at times. Some of this is caused because of my own insecurities, blindness or naiveness. Or is it because I am passionate about what God is doing and I am torn in where He wants me. Not knowing where God wants me makes all these thoughts just a tad bit more confusing. Not to mention trying to keep emotions out of the picture. These are my thoughts and feelings.


God is doing great things in Hungary. I was blessed to talk to my boss from Hungary. The Bible Institute has double the amount of students, and many big changes have and are taking place. It burdens my heart to think that God is doing great and mighty things there and I am not directly involved. Sitting on the sidelines in another country is very hard to do. But at the same time, It makes me so happy that without me, God is doing a work beyond imaginable there. I am so thankful to be able to pray on the Hungary Teams behalf and to praise God in the work there. But this makes my heart ache a little.


Home is hard, as I knew it would be. But honestly I wasn't prepared for this. Don't get me wrong! I am enjoying my time here. I love that I am able to be apart of my local church. Oh how I have missed sitting under the preaching and teaching of my Pastor. I have missed the sunday afternoon fellowships around the lunch table. I have missed my family. The direct, close guidance from my parents. And so much more… I have taken so much for granted. My greatest fear about returning home is a reality. And it's no ones fault, but my own. My walk with the Lord has been challenged and lacking. I want to have sweet time in His word, alone. I know this is the center of all of my problems. So hopefully next time I post I can give an update on what I am learning and what God is teaching me through His Word, not just through the physical trials of moving home, but for now here is an honest peek inside my mind and heart!!

Hey! Do you remember me??

Makalah and I before church

Hey! Do you remember me? Don't worry if you do not, I wont have any hard feelings. I know that I have lacked in the area of keeping up with my blog. I had every intention of doing so once things at home seemed to settle down. And well I would like to blame shift for a moment and say life still hasn't settled down, but that would be a slight lie. This summer has been hot, uncomfortable, and busy, life altering, fun, long, and the list could go on and on. But I want to save time and share a little bit about my summer.

Once I go into the routine of things here at home it was time for our family vacation. Which was a lot of fun, very relaxing, and for the most part drama free.  A few weeks later was the youth mission trip. It was amazing. We went to VA and ran a children’s day camp. It was a blessing to be able to serve beside the youth and see their passion to learn and teach others. 

Since then I took a bittersweet trip to New York. I was able to see all of my friends and get some needed encouragement, but also reassurance. You may ask re!!assurance about what? But when my family found out I was going to visit they got scared I would be offered a job and knowing me I would take it and leave home once more. In the back of my mind I agreed with them, I was hoping I would miss the ministry and the people, but honestly God reassured me of where He has me right now. He has brought me home to my family, my home church. Yes, this comes with it's blessing, but also it has it's trials as well. 

I have gained a close friend, a best friend! And if you have read my blogs before you know that this is an  answer to prayers. I knew that when I came home, all my close friends would be scattered around the world and that thought alone scared me. I need the accountability, the encouragement so much. God has truly blessed me.

Right now I am in limbo. My first summer job has ended, and I am awaiting my fall job to begin. It is awesome to see how the Lord has provided every need. Youth Group starts next Wednesday which i am so stoked for!!!! I have also joined a ministry called Bridge Builders. The main goal is to build bridges between the Church and the community through service projects. I was nominated to be a member of the Missionary Committee as well. I am very excited to see what the Lord does in my life through these ministries. 

I know this was a quick over view of things to come, but I promise it is my goal to write every other week. Hopefully I wont let you down. 

Please continue to pray for me as i adjust here at home, and begin my new job.